


Frozen Tears

by Cat_Moon



Series: Half Breed: Season Two [6]
Category: Moonlight (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-22
Updated: 2013-09-22
Packaged: 2017-12-27 08:47:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/976802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat_Moon/pseuds/Cat_Moon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shane and Sara return to Resurrection, where an unexpected tragedy detours the party train even further. Meanwhile, Josef is battling with some demons of his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Be The One

**Author's Note:**

> This story focuses on Josef, Shane, and Sara, and furthers the Josef dynamic. The next story up is completely Mickbeth.

  
_I’ll be there should the sun go down, life you up to a higher ground_   
_Let me in, let me be the one_   
_I’ll be there should you fall from grace, wipe those teardrops from your face_   
_I’ll see no mare damage done_   
_Baby, let me be the one…_   
**\--Be the One, Poison**   


 

 

The scenery hadn’t changed, the roads were the same and the landmarks were like old familiar pairs of shoes. Even the smells; pine trees and wood smoke and crisp fresh air, settled into awareness as if never absent. Despite all that, to the occupants of the F-150 everything had a surreal quality overlaying it, some sort of hazy film distorting the fabric of time. It had been only two weeks, but it felt like years.

The two people who returned to Resurrection were not the two people who had left. I should know this very well: I was one of them.

 

XXX

 

Sara yawned, jet lagged, as we pulled up in front of the house and got out. I grabbed her four bags out of the back of the truck and trailed her to the front door. For some reason entering the house was like a dose of ice cold water, some bizarre kind of déjà vu.

By the time I got there, the mother and daughter reunion was in progress. Ethan was in the hallway to greet the returning sojourners also.

“Didn’t you have _two_ suitcases when you left?” Alisha asked Sara.

“Beth and I did a little shopping,” she answered.

“Girls and their shopping, huh?” Ethan quipped, elbowing me in a display of manly opining. “Thanks for looking out for her. I hope she wasn’t too much trouble.”

I had to grin at Sara. “Whatever gives you that idea?!” She grinned back.

“I know my daughter. Thanks for putting up with her.”

_Putting up with her_?  Okay, I admit, it’s comments like these that have always tended to piss me off. She may be trouble with a capital T (and god knows I love that about her) but she’s not some kind of burden. How can they not know what an amazing daughter they have? And me, I’m over here on my knees in the dirt thanking all the deities that _she_ puts up with _me_.

“Well, _she_ put up with me, so I guess we’re even,” I finally settled on saying.

With a surreptitious squeeze of my hand, Sara headed up the stairs, breaking into song as an irreverent comment on my words.

“You’re a real tough cookie with a long history of breaking little hearts like the one in me,” she sang as she climbed the stairs. “Before I put another notch in my lipstick case, better make sure you put me in my place… hit me with your best shot, fire away…”

I managed to shake myself out of the urge to stand there and stare after her like a lovesick puppy, and made my own exit. I’m admitting it to myself now, only going further than that is still coming slowly.  I hang on every word she says. I love her voice, and the way she smells and her smile, and the look in her eyes… There are no words. Yeah, I’ve got it bad.

 

XXX

 

Those old familiar shoes? You think they’d be comfortable because they’re broken in, but when you slip into them they feel weird, the fit is all wrong, stretched out and awkward. You try to walk and find yourself staggering like a drunk because, while they were right for you before, something has changed and now they no longer fit your feet. You find you like your new shoes much better.

The irony isn’t lost on me: I’m the one who brought up keeping the change in our relationship quiet… but now I’m thinking – no way. I’m done with playing those games. Whatever possessed me? Maybe this Alaskan air is like some kind of drug over you, makes you insane. The L.A. smog snapped me right back to my senses. All I want to do now is look at them and say, “we’re doing each other – deal with it,” and walk out. In the interest of tact though, I expect we’ll try to ease them into the idea gradually.

Then there’s what the universe does while you’re making other plans…

 

XXX

 

Sara:

 

I’d changed for bed and was unpacking when my mother came into the room. The irritation was an old familiar feeling. My parents, especially my mom, had never felt the need to announce themselves before coming into my bedroom. Maybe they figured teenagers don’t need any privacy, I don’t know. All I know is it drove me nuts until I was able to get a lock for those times when I needed the privacy…if you get my drift.

_First time they walk in on me and Shane doing it, that’ll teach ‘em to knock_ , I thought with a wicked grin. Yeah, I’m bad. This is news?

“Unpacking?” Mom stated the obvious, so I didn’t bother answering. It’s just that thing parents do when trying to start a conversation with their kids but don’t know how to. “You’ll have to show me all the things you bought later.”

“Long as I don’t get any lectures about the revealing nature of my choices,” I said with a grin, holding a sexy, low cut mini dress against myself.

“How about a reminder that a good icy shot of arctic breeze up the thatch will make you rethink your wardrobe choices?”

Okay, I guess parents know how to shock, too. “ _Mother_! Oh my God!”

“Got your attention now, I see,” she commented with one her her knowingly looks. “Did you have a good time in L.A.?”

“Fantastic!”

“Is that Shane’s voice?” she asked of the music coming out of the stereo.

“Yeah, I think I taped every one of their shows,” I admitted with a smile. Funny, I had changed so much, but my parents were still the same. It was a weird feeling.

I bent over to put some jeans away in the bottom drawer of her dresser. My nightshirt must have ridden up some, because when I straightened my mom was giving me a strange look.

“What’s this?” she asked, pulling the top up to reveal the _Wild Child_ tattoo that was on my right side, below the navel line.

“That would be a tattoo,” I said, meeting mother’s knowing eyes.

“And Shane knows about this? He let you get this?”

_Let me?_  I’m not sure why, but instead of making one of my usual comebacks, I just sat down next to her on the bed. The jig was up, as they say. Everyone was well aware that Wild Child was Shane’s personal nickname for me, so if he was okay with me getting it tattooed on my body and in a suggestive place… the implications were pretty clear.

“It’s my body and my decision, but yeah, he knows about it.”

“Uh, well. Just…wow.” I could tell she was trying to process this new development.

“You’re not gonna freak out on me, are you?” I asked warily. I’d been too busy to think much about how my parents would react to the information.

She surprised me by sighing and reaching over to brush the hair away from my face. Her words weren’t exactly expected, either. “I’ve known you had a crush on Shane Alexander for a long time now,” she admitted. “I thought you’d outgrow it, he’s so much older… and then when you went to college, and started dating boys… I figured you had.”

“That’s where you had it wrong – it wasn’t a crush. But he was always the perfect gentleman you expected, never touched me until now.”

“For some reason I believe that,” she responded, sounding surprised.

“Because you _know_ him,” I insisted. “He’s a good man. He’s amazing. I mean…you have no idea.” Now that I could finally talk about it in the open, the words just came pouring out. I wanted her, needed her to understand. “I don’t have the words to tell you. If you want me to have a man who’s going to treat me right then there’s no one in this whole universe more perfect for me than him. There’s no one who’s gonna love me more,” I told her with certainty.

“I don’t know what to say to that. I admit I knew how you felt, but I never thought he…”

“Why?” I challenged, cursing the tears that came to my eyes. The moments of doubt had been blessedly brief but were always raw. Concerning Shane…and my parents. “Because you couldn’t imagine someone like him loving a dumb, obnoxious kid like me?”

“No!” my mother denied, taking my face in her hands. “You’re beautiful and smart, and I knew that someday some man would see that and grab you up and never let you go.”

“And so he did,” I told her, slightly mollified. “You just didn’t know it had already happened.” It was so frustrating that she didn’t seem to see how perfect we were for each other, how in tune. All the things we’d shared over the years made our bond more than obvious to me.

“I don’t quite understand it myself so I don’t expect you to, but there’s a part of me that’s not surprised to hear of this…development in L.A. But there’s another part of me that is.” She shrugged. “I’m not sure quite how to feel about it,” she admitted.

“You could be happy for me,” I suggested. Casting around for some way of making it clearer, my eyes landed on the stereo. I scrambled to fast forward the tape, finding the place in the show I wanted. “Maybe this will explain it to you.”

I pressed play again, and Shane’s voice came back into the room. The audience was just a low murmur in the background as he explained how he knew when he heard the words to the song he had to sing it. Talking about so much more than just a song…

_“This is a song I just discovered, and I didn’t want to, I fought it.”_

He laughed; I believe he was also talking about how he had to resist his feelings for me for so long.

_“But I just… I had to cover it. I think maybe… Some of you will know why.”_

_“Wasted days and wasted nights; I feel lonely. I walk these streets and wonder why I ever listened to them say you are not the one for me – they’re all wrong. They don’t see the things I see in you…”_

The song said it all, as if it had been invented just for us. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to hear it without getting misty-eyed.

_“When everyone turns to go, I won’t leave you, when everything new gets old, I won’t listen when everyone says I’ll be better alone; I say this heart has a mind of its own…”_

_When the song was over and the guitar had faded, his voice spoke again. “This heart has a mind of its own. I think that says it all. Thanks for listening.”_

That says it all, all right. As the applause started, I hit the stop button. “He told me that every day without me is a wasted day,” I added quietly. I had made my case, and there wasn’t really anything left I could add.

I’d like to think my mother was moved by the song, she seemed to be. “As long as he takes good care of you,” she finally said. “If he doesn’t, he’s going to have one pissed off mother to deal with. And I’m going to have to have a little talk with our Shane…” she added with an eyebrow wiggle that predicted dire, uncomfortable squirms ahead.

I groaned, but accepted the hug that followed, feeling like maybe we were finally going to start understanding each other better.

“Hey,” mom said in a ‘changing subject’ tone after she finally let me go. “I’m going down to Fairbanks tomorrow; I want to pick up some things at the mall. Want to come with me?”

“Maybe,” I answered, stifling a yawn. “But probably not, I think I’m just gonna sleep all day. I need a vacation from my vacation!” Possibly a cliché, but never more true in my opinion!

She laughed and kissed me goodnight. At the door, she paused. “Oh, and uh, I don’t think we’ll tell your father about this quite yet.”

“Duh,” I wholeheartedly agreed.

 

XXX

 

I was feeling pretty good when I arrived at the office the next afternoon. After a nice long restorative rest in deep freeze, I was feeling refreshed and more or less ready to get back to the grind. It’s always tough after a vacation. Especially one that’s apparently lasted a lifetime.

Greg was in his usual place behind his desk. I’d greeted him and was on my way to my office when the look on his face registered –- as well as the disturbing emotions coming off him. It stopped me in my tracks.

“What?”

“You didn’t hear?” he asked me.

I didn’t like the look on his face. “Hear what?”

“Alisha Adams is dead.”

I felt the words like a kick to the gut. “Damn. How?”

“Accident on the interstate on the way to Fairbanks. Semi lost his brakes.”

And I’d slept through it. “Why didn’t she call me,” I wondered to myself, reflexively glancing down to the cell phone clipped to my belt and my mind on Sara.

Greg glanced at his watch. “They probably just got the news not long ago. I caught it on the police band.”

I grabbed my jacket again. “Can you hold down the fort here for awhile longer? I’m gonna go over there and, uh, offer my condolences.”

Greg nodded, but his expression told me he’d picked up on the hesitation in my choice of words. We hadn’t talked about the change in my relationship with Sara since our little discussion at the hotel in L.A. It had become kind of a ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ thing with us, but I knew we’d have to have that talk, soon. That one and a few others as well. Like about my upcoming resignation.

 

XXX

 

My step was heavy as I walked up to the front door. One of the hardest events of being human, losing your mother, and I couldn’t relate to it, had no frame of reference. My own family was a thousand years dead, and I have a vampire’s perspective on time and attachments. But I could feel her pain, and hopefully take some of it from her.

I rang the bell and didn’t have a long wait. Sara answered, looking shell shocked. Immediately her arms were around my waist. I held her tightly, sensing the suppressed grief underneath the utter disbelief that comes from sudden tragedy.

“I’m so sorry, baby.” She looked up at me then, and when I met her eyes I had to take her face in my hands and kiss her. Love, reassurance, comfort, I tried to pour everything into the intimate touch. When the kiss ended I pulled her back into my arms, letting her rest there.

Too preoccupied with Sara, I hadn’t paid any attention to the footsteps I should have heard. It registered belatedly and I looked up – into the shocked eyes of my friend Ethan.

“Give me one reason why I shouldn’t get my gun and blow your brains out?” his voice hissed, low, dangerous.

_‘Cause… it wouldn’t work?_   “Because then your daughter would lose both parents. But if that’s what you want…”

How do you tell a parent that you’re the lesser of the evils and if it weren’t for you, his daughter would probably have ended up giving head to the lead singer of some boy band in the back of the tour bus? You don’t.

“Her mother asked you to look out for her, to protect her. She trusted you. I trusted you.” His feelings of betrayal were in his voice.

Sara pushed herself out of my arms to face her father and defend me. “He’s the only reason I even came back to this one horse town! I almost didn't.”

“Do you love her?” It wasn’t really a question, it was a challenge.

The phrase ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t came to mind. Somehow, despite the fact that we were already talking of centuries, those exact words had never been spoken between us, and I’d be damned if this would be their circumstances. “Sara will always be safe with me,” I stressed carefully.

His eyes flashed another challenge. “You saying you haven’t fucked her yet then?!”

This situation could get out of hand really easily. I had to keep control of it. When what I really wanted to do was pop him in the mouth for doing this in front of her. “I’m not discussing this with you; it’s not the time or place.”

Obviously he didn’t like that answer either, because he started closer. Aggressive humans, kinda sad actually. I held out my hand, keeping my other arm around her, and made sure the warning in my face was clear. “You gotta calm the fuck down. Sara just lost her mom, you’re upset, hurting. Don’t be stupid.”

“Hurt him and I’ll leave – you’ll never see me again!” Sara promised.

I held onto Sara a bit tighter. Her protectiveness warmed me, but I had to cut this confrontation short. I didn’t want her to say anything she’d regret later either, no one needs to live with that kind of guilt.

“Sara!” he started forward again and she pressed herself tighter against me.

_Whoa_.  “Okay. That’s _enough_ ,” I declared to Ethan. “It’s okay,” I said into Sara’s ear. “It’s gonna be okay. He won’t hurt me, you know that.” Translation: he can't. “I’m gonna take you upstairs so you can get some rest, okay?”

“I don’t want to rest!” she protested.

Maybe it had sounded condescending, but I needed to break things up. “Well, _I_   need a time out here, okay?” Not sparing another glance for Ethan, I got her up the stairs. I could feel his glare without looking back.

Sara’s movements were hesitant, somehow vulnerable, unlike her more typically self-assured body language. I went into the bathroom first and she followed me, as if not wanting to be too far away. It wasn’t a surprise, under the circumstances. I rifled through the medicine cabinet, finding a bottle of Alisha’s sleeping pills. Half of one would take the edge off. I filled the Dixie cup on the sink with some water, and shepherded her into her bedroom.

We sat on the bed together, and I held out the pill and water.

She looked me in the eye challengingly. “I don’t need that.”

I pressed it into her hand; we both noticed it was shaking. “Yes, you do.”

What others may not know is that just because Sara tended to show her emotions more subtly, didn’t mean she wasn’t feeling them. That’s because I’m the one that can feel them too.

She grudging settled into the bed, and pulled me down beside her by the hand. “I can’t believe she’s…gone,” she whispered. Tears that she hated revealing pooled in her eyes. The unreality of the situation was fading.

Just like that. One moment here, the next not. The fragility of the human life. And someone you’ve shared dinners with for years, and talked and laughed with is gone forever. As a vampire, you’re never quite sure how to feel about that. Over the centuries the humans come and go, but you’ll probably still be here. Love them more for it, or love them less for it? It’s all in that delicate balance in between.

“I wish I could turn back time. I don’t understand why she had to…” She couldn’t say the word. A little girl, lost with her rug of security having been yanked out from under her. I thanked God she already had another one in place. Me.

“I wish I could tell you, baby.”

I didn’t have an answer for her, and I prayed she wouldn’t ask the one question I didn’t want to answer: what if _I’d_  been there? Thankfully, vamps don’t ‘multiply' as indiscriminately as humans. Turning someone…it isn’t to be entered into lightly. If the one turned doesn’t take to the undead life, you’re probably gonna end up destroying them anyway. Then of course there’s the whole consent issue. If they can’t give it, it should be a no-go -- and even if they do, you as the potential sire need to use good judgment. Sara, for instance, will make an awesome vampire. Josef and I got a bet going about who’s gonna make the better vamp, Sara or Beth. But I think he knows I’m gonna win, hands down.

She often avoids questions I expect her to ask though, so I can only hope this is one of those times.

I think it’s probably the hardest part of being a vampire. Knowing humans have to die. And even if I could have waved my “magic wand” and taken Sara's pain away, that would be wrong. Pain strengthens us and is part of who we are, it’s a part of growth and experience. So, I just held her.

“I can’t take your pain away, but can I cry with you instead?”

Her tears came a little easier at my words. So we huddled on the bed together and let the tears have their due. Eventually, she slipped into sleep.

 

XXX

 

“You were wrong to pull that scene in front of Sara. She just lost her mama, she needs comfort and love. What she _didn’t_ need is that hostile scene playing out.”

Ethan and I faced each other across the kitchen table, a bottle of Jack Daniels and two glasses between us. I felt for the guy, I really did. He loved his wife. He woke up that morning with a beautiful marriage and a perfect family, sweet innocent daughter – now he felt like everything was gone in the blink of an eye. We’d been friends for years. He was forty-five; I look to be in my late thirties. I didn’t know how we were gonna get past this. I didn’t know what to say to him.

“I’m so damn sorry about Alisha.”

“Is that all you’re sorry about?”

I gave him a level gaze. “Yes.” I don’t back down, and I don’t lie. Never have, never will.

His hostility had faded some, and that was worse because now I could see the pain and devastation in his eyes. His hands shook as he poured a tall glass of whiskey and downed half of it at once. “This could be bad for your career.”

So now we get to it. I wasn’t sure if it was a threat or just a statement of fact. “She’s of legal age, she not a minor,” I said as gently as I could.

He met my eyes again. “You’re old enough to be her father.” No, I’m old enough to be her distant ancestor, actually. But let’s not go there.

The reality is that age doesn’t matter much when you’re many centuries old and won’t be getting any older in human years anyway, so she can catch up eventually if that’s her wish… but that wasn’t something he could understand. Not now, maybe not ever.

Something felt like it was hurting, and I didn’t know why my chest felt tight. The overpowering desire to _not_ be sitting there swamped me; I wanted to be anywhere else. I wanted to be upstairs watching Sara sleep. _I don’t want to be here._

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” I took a generous swallow of JD and let the burn distract me.

“I’ve known you for over three years -- my family has welcomed you into our home as a friend. I thought she was like a kid sister to you, but all the while you were the wolf in sheep’s clothing at the dinner table?” He shook his head as if the concept was beyond him. “I’ve known you to be a good man, an honest one. You’ve risked your life to protect the people of Resurrection and sworn to keep them safe. No one in town has ever had a word to say against you. We asked you to watch out for Sara in L.A. because you were the _one_ person we knew we could trust her with. You come back from L.A. and I suddenly you’re--you’ve --with my nineteen year old daughter. So I’m asking myself, was I wrong? Could everyone have been so wrong about you? And I’m wondering why, why you’d risk everything. Your career, our friendship. Your reputation.”

My mind is blank; I have no words to say that he’ll understand. I kick back the rest of the glass and pour myself another.

“Drinking on duty?” he asked in a deceptively mild tone.

I shake my head, at least I have words for this one. “I took myself off duty.” As a vampire the booze wasn’t a problem (unless it was Randy’s shine), but there were other reasons I was in no condition to be on duty.

Ethan nodded and too late I saw the trap sprung. “Now see, that’s what I’d expect. Always responsible. Makes me wonder if maybe we’re _not_ wrong. If that’s true…”

I rubbed my face with both hands. I knew what he was looking for, and I couldn’t give it to him yet. There was no way her father was going to hear it from my lips before she did.

_I’ll love you forever, my beautiful Sara._

“She won't get hurt.” A vow, a promise.

“If she does?” he countered.

“If she does you can blow my brains out.” I’ll even supply the silver ammo.

Ethan nodded, once. Satisfied, for now, but I knew the damage to our friendship would take a long time to repair. He rose unsteadily. “If you’ll excuse me, I have some burial arrangements to make.”

I wanted to ask him if he needed company, support during this difficult time. But I knew I could no longer provide it. Sometimes we make sacrifices without realizing the extent of them until later. He went out, alone, to pick out a casket for his wife. I went the only place I could – to Sara.

 

XXX

 

I sat in the chair beside Sara’s bed, softly strumming the guitar I’d pulled out of the truck. The instrument felt natural in my hands as always, as if it was a part of me. I knew the sound would comfort her, even in sleep. Music is the gift I was born to give, sounds weird since it took me hundreds of years to get there but since it came into my life I can’t shake the feeling.

Can’t shake rock and roll and can’t shake Sara, and no, I can’t shake Josef either. I don’t attach to many things, but when I do…god help me.

Eventually Sara’s eyes fluttered open, and when she saw me a small smile curved her lips. “Shay…”

I smiled back. “Hey.” Putting the guitar aside, I leaned over to give her a kiss. “How you doin’?”

Her smile faded as the memory came back, and I wished I hadn’t asked the question. “I feel lost.”

And I felt a lump in my throat. I guessed I could identify after all, because I was feeling a bit lost myself. I stretched out on the bed beside her, and she immediately moved into the circle of my arms. I could have told her she’d always have her memories, but that might be a lie. Hell, I only vaguely remember my own mother. It was so long ago.

It was slightly disconcerting; my independent, strong Sara, clinging to me. “You’re not lost. You’re here with me.” Her arms tightened at my words, so I did what I do best. I started singing to her.

"I wanna be the one to shelter you, should the rains come down, never let you drown, I’d pull you through. I wanna hear you when you scream, be your prince when you dream. Hold you close when you cry…"

“You are,” she whispered.

_Yeah, I know._  “That’s a promise. I know you’re hurting, but you’re not alone. I…”  I would have liked it to be a different time and place, romantic and special rather than sad, but the words needs to be spoken, now. I lifted her head up and met her eyes. “I know you already know this, and I guess maybe I’ve gotten in the habit of not saying things in the last three years, but we don’t have to do that anymore. I love you, Sara. I want you with me, for eternity.”

The tears that came to her eyes now were happier ones. “And I love you. Where else would I be?” She reached behind my neck and pulled my lips down to hers.

“Mom knew,” Sara said abruptly awhile later, and I didn’t have to ask what.

“You told her?

Sara shook her head against my shoulder. “She saw the tattoo last night and figured it out.” I was gratified by the ghost of a smile that followed.

“Whoops.” Speaking of, I had an even more incriminating one on my arm, and it would have been only a matter of time until I was caught with my ‘sleeves up’. Is that what they call passive aggressive?

“We had a long talk. She was okay with it.”

“I’m glad.” And I was. That was one blessing, they’d had a chance to talk and she hadn’t died with that secret between them. I knew Sara was too.

“Not like Ethan,” she began, using the given name to distance herself.

I stroked her cheek with the back of my hand. “Listen to me,” I told her firmly. “You’ve both lost her, and you’re both hurting bad. Please try not to hurt each other more, because you’ll both regret it.”

“Tell _him_ that,” she shot back.

“I have, and I will again,” I promised.

She subsided against my chest. “I want to think about something else, just for a little while,” she added as if feeling guilty for wanting a break from the pain.

Time to distract her with a lighter topic. It was something I had to admit I’d wondered, but had never asked. “Okay, tell me something, when did you decide you wanted to get in my pants anyway?”

“I used to sneak out of the house to watch you guys play, remember?”

We both smiled at the memories. “You’d climb out of the window. I used to worry you were gonna fall and break a leg or something.”

“For some reason you never pissed me off like all the others. Why is that?” She was just teasing, we both knew why.

“Maybe it was my rock star sex appeal,” I suggested with an eyebrow wiggle.

Sara shook her head in denial, turning my attempt at levity around. “I think it was all over the first time I watched you sing.”

One night amidst thousands, for two souls to connect. I don’t care what anybody says, music is magic. A light touch of lips turned into several minutes of silent communication. _Damn, we’re good at this_.

“You finally gonna tell me when _you_ knew?” Sara asked me pointedly.

I grinned mysteriously. “Gotta keep some of my secrets for later.”

“Ack!” she responded, smacking my arm in frustration.

In reality, it was a hard question to answer. It was one moment flowing seamlessly into another, the months and years forging our connection until it was hard to remember I time I didn't know deep down in my soul that she was mine.

 

XXX

 

I slipped down the stairs the next morning and paused in the hallway. I would have liked to sneak out, but decided to face it like a man. He knew I’d spent the night, surely saw that my truck was still parked out front. Normally, out of respect, I wouldn’t have stayed. This wasn’t a normal situation though, and Sara needed me. So there I was.

When I walked warily into the kitchen, Ethan was at the table with a mug of coffee in front of him. He looked up at me with dull eyes.

“Good morning.”

“Coffee?” he asked, gesturing toward the coffeemaker with his cup.

“Uh no, it’ll keep me awake. I was up all night talking with Sara, I need to go home and get some sleep.” Okay, so I did put a bit of emphasis on the word _talking_. Things were awkward enough as it was without him wondering things he shouldn't be wondering.

“She’s okay?” he asked grudgingly.

“As can be expected,” I said. “Look, do you have any family that can come? You shouldn’t be alone.”

“My sister Pat is coming to stay with us for awhile. She’s arriving this afternoon.”

“Good.” I thought maybe I’d make my escape, but his next words stopped me like a brick wall.

“Did you _ever_ think of her as a little sister?”

Now there was a loaded question, and this was another conversation I didn't want to have. I probably hesitated too long.

“How long… I mean, when…” his questions trailed off uncomfortably.

“I never touched her.” Hoping he’d accept that as answer.

“And what do you see her as now?” Ethan pressed.

Just a rephrasing of his previous line of questioning, but this one I now had a willing and ready answer for. “The woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve been with a lot of women,” I admitted. “But I’ve never been in love like this – before now.”

There was a lessening in the tension on his face, maybe a little progress. “And she’s my daughter.”

“I know. And yeah, you were pissed off last night, but it strikes me that you didn’t seem all that shocked. I would have maybe expected more…I don’t know, disbelief.” I shrugged. “Just something to think about.”

Just like that, the dynamic of our relationship had changed I realized. We were no longer friends. Another man had come into the picture and taken his daughter. That can be difficult for fathers to deal with under the best of circumstances. This was far from it.

 

XXX

 

Sara:

It’s hard when someone you love dies. Everyone is looking at you, expecting you to act a certain way, but you don’t know how to act and all you can be is self-conscious. Nothing had prepared you for this, so you just want to hide away from the world and its expectations for a while. Even if that includes your father.

I was ashamed, but I barely looked at him as I moved around the kitchen, fixing myself a bowl of cereal. I guess we were probably further apart that day than in any of our previous difficult years. I felt awkward; I didn’t know what to say to him. I’d just lost my mother, was I expected to comfort my father who had lost his wife?  Just a few weeks’ previous I might not have had a clue. Now that I was with Shane I had a whole new, unwanted and intimate understanding of what that kind of pain would be like.  Despite my constant raging against my age, at that moment I wanted to go back to a time when mommy and daddy were just mommy and daddy, and not people.

He watched me for a minute, and then seemed to shake himself as if waking up. “You’re hungry! I can make you some breakfast, eggs, or something…”

“It’s okay. I’m not really hungry, I’m only eating because I promised Shane. Cereal is all I want.” I sat down at the table and forced myself to shovel a spoonful into my mouth.

“Oh. Uh, Aunt Pat is coming this afternoon. She’s gonna stay with us for awhile.

“Okay.”

The uncomfortable silence resumed as I ate, but since the words weren’t any easier it didn't matter much. He rose and rinsed his coffee cup in the sink, wiped the counter with the dishtowel. Funny how mundane things can seem so alien. How could anything be normal _now_?

He came over to my chair. “I guess I’ll, uh, go get dressed now.” I noticed he was wearing the pajamas I’d gotten him for Christmas last year under his robe. Caddyshack, because he loved that stupid movie. I remembered I was originally gonna get the Southpark ones that said, Respect my Authority, but for some reason had gone with the gopher instead. Why would a dumb memory like that make me want to cry?

I let him hug me, and hugged back. I guess that was enough for now.

 

XXX

 

The next few days were difficult, but we all got through them. I met Aunt Pat at the wake, and it turned out she was one family member who was genuinely pleased that I was the man in Sara’s life. It was a nice change. I’d met Pat a time or two over the years, but just in passing. I could tell it was good for Sara to have her there, they seemed pretty close.

The night before the funeral was…strange. I think it was profound in some way that I can’t begin to fathom, just a gut feeling. Sara had spent as much time with me as she could, I knew she was reluctant to let me out of her sight but as she had several more family members coming into town, we decided that’s where she needed to be.

Josef showed up on my doorstep out of nowhere, acting very weird – and I don’t use that term loosely in relation to him. He didn’t tell me what was bothering him, and I didn’t push. Pushing Jay-Jay is a chore I don’t relish and I was wore out enough from the difficult week that I just let it go and prayed it wouldn’t come back to bite me in the butt sometime. Like me, if he doesn’t want to tell you something he won’t and it’s best to respect that unless you’ve got a compelling reason not to.  Despite the weirdness and the fact that I knew he was upset about something, there was a noticeable lack of the angry tension that had too often marked our relationship of late, and the relief of that was an added incentive. Nope, all things considered I wasn’t about to complain about the unexpected visit.

This whole experience, and the weeks preceding it had make me think about a lot of things. Change, especially.   It gets us all, human and vamp. Even vampires can get used to things, comfortable in their current environment after several years have gone by. When you start to realize you’ll miss your temporary life when it’s time to leave, if you experience that longing to stay…

That means it’s time to leave.

 

**end chapter one:  Be The One**

 


	2. Never Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Sara and Shane were dealing with the loss of her mother, Josef was in L.A. trying to come to terms with the 'premonition' he'd had at the end of "Complications." This is how he dealt with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Josef/Shane.

  
_Take me down slow and easy_  
 _Make love to me slow and easy_  
 _I know that hard luck and trouble is coming my way_  
 _So rock me till I’m burned to the bone_  
\--Slow and Easy, Whitesnake

 

Irrational actions, giving in to impulsive decisions based on emotions and sentimentality. These things are more up Mick’s alley than mine; nobody would accuse Josef Konstantin of letting his emotions rule him. I make all my decisions by computing all the angles to the nth degree, calculating risks and probabilities and outcomes until I’m satisfied that I will win. I always win.

Lately, I’ve been disturbingly not myself. I’m not usually taken by surprise, as I’ve already ran all possible scenarios through my head beforehand. Yet, recently, I’ve been blindsided by an unexpected amount of surprises. It’s disconcerting, but at the same time oddly liberating.

Everyone sees only what I want them to see. Even Mick, my closest friend, gets the carefully controlled version. Shane… Shane is the only person in the world still alive who’s seen me at my worst, exposed. That’s the way it is when you’re first turned…  He sees a side of me no one else ever has.  Business associates respect my ruthlessness while ruing my success.  Enemies quake in fear at my very name. Freshies swoon when I come near, and even friends are just a bit in awe of my presence.  You love me or you hate me, but you know I’m a force to be reckoned with.  Shane?  Shane pinches my cheek and tells me I’m cute.  To my employees I’m Mr. Kostan the demanding but fair boss, and to my friends I’m Josef the one they turn to when they need something, but aren’t sure they can entirely trust.  To Shane I’m just Jay-Jay.  And I both love and hate him for it.

Maybe I’m afraid if anything happened to Shane, Jay-Jay would die forever too.

 

XXX

 

The dream – premonition – vision -- whatever it is, really puts me on edge.  As I head to my study to make the irrational phone call, images insist on parading through my mind, replaying again and again, and I can’t seem to find the stop button.  Sara coming to my doorstep, telling me Shane is dead.  Killed, by a group called NBL.  The name means nothing to me and the date 2299, is still in the distant future.  None of that matters beside the overpowering urge to hear his voice and make sure he’s okay.

Once at my desk, I freeze. I stare at the phone. The phone stares back.  If I call he’ll know something is wrong the minute he hears my voice.  I need a plan, an excuse, but my mind is infuriatingly blank.  In frustration I rip the phone off the desk and throw it across the room.  Somehow the rest of the items on my desk follow.  When I’m done my mind is clearer, and I seize upon an idea like a gambler to a tip about a ‘sure thing.’  Without giving myself time to work any angles, I’m grabbing my cell phone and heading for the door.  I’m barking orders as I leave, telling my pilot to be ready to take off by the time I get to the airport. Destination: Alaska.

Details, plans, these I can do automatically, no thought involved. I need to rent a car, get directions from the airport to Resurrection… These things will keep my mind occupied, a mixed blessing since it also allows my crazy actions to proceed unfettered with reason.  Who needs common sense when you’re having a breakdown, anyway?

 

XXX

 

The minute the door is opened I’m kissing him demandingly, desperately. I kick the door closed with my foot and propel us against the wall, pressing into him as I devour his mouth. He’s surprised, stunned, but then Shane always was quick on the uptake, and he’s already pushing his body back against mine. It’s always been this way; the stronger the emotions, negative or positive, the hotter the desire.

“Expecting anyone?” I ask between kisses, needing to make sure we won’t be interrupted. I know he’s alone, I did have the presence of mind to check first.

He shakes his head. “I wasn’t expecting _you_ ,” he quips.

“Bedroom,” I say; I’ve never been here before. He holds out his arm, pointing down a hallway to the right. I follow the finger, dragging him with me, already working to remove clothing.

“Jesus, Jay-Jay,” he half laughs as we fumble/stumble toward the room.

I pay no mind to anything, I just need to touch him, feel him, replace the images of the dream with the solid, undead reality of him.

It’s not typically on our menu, but today I feel like worshipping at the temple of Shane. I drop to my knees and take his cock into my mouth without preliminary. He groans as I swirl my tongue around the tip, teasing, sucking a bit then back to the teasing. I glance up to see his eyes are closed, hands clenched at his sides.

“Look at me,” I command. I will make sure he knows it’s _me_.

Blue eyes stare down at me. Love those eyes, the passion in them reminds me that I’m not alone in this. He may know the hidden parts of me, but I know every last one of his buttons and how to push them. I’m an expert. The knowledge is bittersweet, since he resents me for it as much as I do him. We love each other and hate each other, and everything in between. He’s my brother and my sire and my lover. How can his Sara understand this??   _I_  don’t even understand this.

Except for the vampire part. That’s easy to understand. When you make love with a human you always have to hold back, keep control or you can damage them. With another vamp, you can let yourself go. Nothing held back. Nothing physical, that is.

I’m hard, aching. I want to feel our bodies flesh on flesh, so I release him and rise. He immediately pulls me into him and we’re kissing again, tongues meeting and duelling in familiar territory. I realize with a chill that it feels absurdly like home. I need to distract myself from thoughts. Clothes are shed, ripped, and I don’t even care enough to make a comment about the cost this time.

I need to feel _more_. I tumble us down onto the bed. In a bed again. We must be getting boring in our old age… but this is what I need to banish the vision, to reassure myself that he’s still here, that I can still see him and talk to him and touch him. Maybe the vision was my punishment, or warning, a second chance to atone for the past. I don’t know, it’s all a jumble in my head. My balls are aching and so are my fangs. I want to obliterate the vision, wash it away with waves of hot, hard passion.

Stupid humans and their worries about mortality. We’re supposed to be immortal. Yet one thousand years or another two hundred and ninety nine, it’s not enough. It will never be enough, and isn’t that the secret story of my undead life? Nothing is ever enough.

“You better have lube,” I growl at him.

Even as he fumbles in the nightstand, I’m grabbing it out of his hand. It’s hand lotion, probably hers, and I’d laugh if I wasn’t afraid it wouldn’t come out as something very different. I spread it over his erection, using long strokes from base to tip and back again. He hisses at the contact, lost in the passion in that way he gets, eyes slitted and gleaming pale. I feel mine vamping in sympathetic reaction. This has got to be a first, twice in one month. Josef Konstantin, King of once-a-decade booty calls. But right now it’s the only way I can prove to myself that I haven’t lost him.

He’s with me now, my urgency finally bleeding into him the way I want. He grabs a pillow and shoves it under me to improve the angle, then pushes inside me. I just want to feel. The pleasure is pain, but it doesn’t matter. I’m a vampire, I can handle the spikes of pleasure/pain that shoot up through my body. It’s just another reminder of reality, of now. Not tomorrow or yesterday, us this moment. I reach around his neck and pull his head down, nipping at his lips with sharp fangs, drawing blood that is like heady perfume and a touch of ambrosia to my senses.

God, he’s good at this, good at fucking. Shane can charm a rattlesnake out of its rattles—without even trying, and that’s the really annoying part. I notice some music is playing in the background, rock and roll of course… I don’t suppose he even owns a Beethoven album… and he’s fucking me in time with the beat. _Take me down slow and easy…_ But it’s not slow or easy and that’s okay because that’s not how I want it. He’s nailing my prostate now and I can’t help squeezing around him, pulling him deeper. I feel myself begin to let go, to cry out, tell him to fuck me. And he complies, that’s not one request he’s ever been able to deny. I spare a moment to wonder why I ever try to hide from him, he knows me, it’s a futile game I play, perhaps out of habit or superstition.

In the next instant the reason comes slamming into me. I feel like I’m flying apart and it terrifies me, but I can’t hold the pieces in. I’m sobbing and begging. “Please, please, please…” Who am I?  Just for this one moment, I’m not Josef Kostan, businessman, friend, vampire. I can remember, just for a moment, what it’s like to be none of those people.  Just me.  I think maybe I want to change… but I don’t know how.

He offers me his wrist, and I immediately sink my fangs in. It’s warm, he’s fed recently. Human mixed with a vampire chaser. I feel the rich taste on my tongue, sliding silkily down my throat. It’s different now that I know the truth, but I’ve never told him that. Now it’s the feel of my _sire’s_ blood coursing through me. It makes me feel greedy, I want more. I suck harder and growl at him to encourage him to move faster. He does, and as his fangs pierce my flesh and he comes, I can let go too.

 

XXX

 

Later, I find out why he’s alone tonight. Sara’s mother has been killed in a car accident, and she’s with her visiting relatives. The funeral is tomorrow. He invites me. I have a moment of indecision, I shouldn’t have come, shouldn’t be here, but he calls me an idiot and points out that my pilot will be pissed off if I want to turn right around and return to L.A.

So I stay, in the room he calls his ‘sanctuary’ and sleep in a real bed, with another person, for the first time in decades. With the specially designed cooling system, it’s not as frigid as my freezer, but it’s acceptable. More than acceptable. I’m sleeping next to someone else. Next to Shane.

That alone is worth the trip.

He’s not stupid, he knows something’s wrong. I’m not myself.  Just the fact that I showed up here the way I did is cause to suspect my sanity.  But somehow I manage to put him off, distract him without telling him the truth.  This is my secret.  I don’t want to hear his rationale that whatever will be will be, or, 'even vampires don’t live forever'. That’s simply _not_ acceptable.  I _will_ alter the vision, even if it should mean giving my life for his.

And Josef Kostantin always gets what he wants.

 

**end Chapter Two: Never Enough**

 


	3. Epilogue

Funeral’s are uncomfortable for a vampire. It’s one of the times we are most keenly aware that we really are a different species, with vastly different perceptions of life. We pay our respects to the dead the same as everybody else though.

Even Josef was subdued and reverent when we arrived at the cemetery. I caught Sara’s eye as we walked across the street to join them, but then I also caught something else… a conversation between a ragged looking Ethan and his sister. It looked like she’d pulled him aside. I don’t make a regular point to eavesdrop, but when I hear my name and I have a vested interest in knowing the details of a conversation, don’t put it passed me.

“I think he’s a great catch. He’s mature, secure…” Pat was saying. “Better than some nineteen year old majoring in Art and flipping burgers who spends all his spare time playing computer games, isn’t it?”

Ethan didn’t seem to have a comeback for that, it took him a moment to respond. “What about the age difference? When she’s forty he’ll be pushing sixty. He could die twenty years before her.”

Pat took her brother’s hand and squeezed. “And she could go first,” she told him gently, with the briefest of glances at the casket. “Standing here today, would you wish you’d never married Alisha?”

“No!”

Would it have comforted this father to know that wasn’t likely to be a concern for us? That we were just beginning our journey together, and it would undoubtedly span centuries? I didn’t know the answer to that, and we were a long way away from asking it, if we ever did. It was good to have one person in the family on our side though. It made me more hopeful that Ethan and I would be able to repair our friendship.

“And he could die hundreds of years before her,” Josef murmured almost too low for me to catch it.

My head whipped around to stare at him. “That’s cynical even for you, isn’t it?” Although we know too well it can and does happen, vampires don’t usually worry much about dying. There aren’t thousands of us dying every hour, from sudden tragic accidents, or long horrible sicknesses. And unlike those immortals in that stupid Highlander saga, it isn’t our overriding goal in life to kill each other off.

Josef actually looked surprised to find I’d heard him. “I apologize for eavesdropping,” he said instead of answering. Which was also out of character for him. “And not to worry. You _won't_.”

There was an odd finality in his voice. Funny how I’d known him for four hundred years, and I was standing there trying to figure him out. The only conclusion I could come to was that he was still upset over what I’d told him in L.A. How at one time I’d been tired of living. I wasn’t trying to imply I was suicidal – far from it – just a little wisdom from someone who’s lived for over a thousand years. Living forever has stages and rites of passage that human psychologists couldn’t even begin to imagine.

“This is what life is about, isn’t it?” Josef gestured around the grounds. “Love, and death.”

Wow. I raised my eyebrows at him, then reached over and felt his forehead. “Have you gotten too much sun?”

“You call that sun?” Mr. L.A. gave a sunglass-covered nod toward the light that marked early morning north of the Arctic Circle in April. We’d be lucky if the temperature reached fifty so it was quite comfortable right now for a vamp, not even forty yet, but the day – the day would be sixteen hours long.

“What about money?” I asked.

“I’m not…totally unaffected by it all,” he said with a quiet honesty.

I reached up and gave the back of his neck a squeeze. “Oh, I know you’re not,” I responded, for a moment dropping the banter myself.

Then he gave me a cheeky grin. “But money definitely helps.”

“Good. I was beginning to worry.”

We joined the others, and I gave Sara a long hug, totally uncaring at this point about public appearances.

“What are you doing here, bub?” she chided Josef quietly, accepting his hug and kiss on the cheek. Something about her voice told me she might have taken something to make the event a little easier to endure.

“Paying my respects to the Adams… and Whitley families,” Josef returned with a tiny smile. “I was very sorry to hear about your mother.”

“Thank you,” Sara said, equally formally.

I touched Josef’s elbow and addressed Ethan. “Ethan Adams, this is Josef Kostan… my brother.”  I‘m sure Josef and Sara both gave me surprised stares at the honest introduction, but I kept my attention on Ethan. It had always been our big secret, and there were plenty of good reasons for that. Or so I always thought.  I guess maybe that was another legacy from Max; don’t let anyone know anything they can use against you, was definitely a biggie in our little pseudo “family.” And if you haven’t guessed by now, I’ve got a huge Achilles heel with Josef’s name on it (no, the irony of mentioning Achilles isn’t lost on me, either, given the sometimes physical nature of our relationship). Funny, now it was probably less true than it ever had been that he was a brother, but I suddenly had the impulse to underscore his place in my life as something other than just an old friend. Maybe I owed him that.

Ethan also couldn’t help but show his reaction at meeting a hitherto unmentioned family member. “Well, this is a surprise, I have to admit. It’s nice to meet you,” he said as they shook hands.

“Only half brothers of course,” Josef told him, shooting me a bemused but pleased look. “And we’ve been estranged,” he added with that hint of usual Konstantin charming sarcasm. “My deepest condolences on the loss of your wife.”

“Thank you.”

For the next few minutes more introductions went around, and then the service started. Sara plastered herself to my side and stayed that way until the end. At one point – when her father broke down crying – she buried her face into my chest and held even tighter, but otherwise she got through it okay.

 

XXX

 

After the service was over, the three of us walked over to Josef’s rented sports car. “You sure you don’t wanna came back to Ethan’s house with us?” I asked.

Josef shook his head. “I’m going to head back.”

“Don’t work too much!” I chastised as we hugged goodbye.

“As a matter of fact, I’m thinking of taking your advice. Take up a hobby.”

“Nothing I have to bail you out of jail for, I hope,” I grinned.

“Actually, I might take flying lessons,” Josef said with an answering grin.

“What, fly the plane yourself when you can hire someone to do it?”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought too, but--“ He shrugged as if to say, what the hell, and turned to Sara. “Keep this guy out of trouble.”

“Always do,” she responded with some of her usual personality peeking out. “Except for the good kind of trouble, of course…”

Josef took Sara by the shoulders. “You’ll do,” he pronounced, and kissed her on the forehead.

“Wow,” Sara said as we watched him drive away. I think she felt like she’d just gotten praise from on High.

 

XXX

 

It was definitely a day of surprises. After Josef left, I escorted Sara over to the limo, where Ethan was waiting for her. Sara hugged me, visibly reluctant to separate. Then an amazing thing happened -- two amazing things, actually. I put my hand on Ethan’s shoulder in a gesture of support, and somehow found myself in a three-way hug. We stood there like that for a moment, giving and receiving comfort.

Ethan looked from me, to Sara, to the limo and back at me again. “You uh… why don’t you ride back with us,” he offered.

I smiled at him. “I’d like that. Thank you.”

Sometimes we don’t appreciate how strong the bonds of friendship can be until we thought we’ve lost them. Yeah, we still had a ways to go yet, but for the first time I knew we’d get there.

 

XXX

 

Fate and irony enter our lives in many intricate ways. A spur of the moment decision, turning left instead of right, and the course of our lives and future is once again altered.

No one at the gravesite that memorable day noticed the man standing in the shadows, or heard the clicking of the camera shutter as photographs were taken. Of the family. And photographs of Sara, and Shane.

And Josef.

 

**end**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who is the mysterious man taking pictures? And who is his intended subject? You'll have to wait awhile for that to be revealed...


End file.
